I made my way to North Carolina for an eye appointment during those weeks. My uber driver picked me up, his accent thick from the heart of Africa. I asked him which country his accent was from. Nigeria, he responded, we chatted about Africa for a moment and he asked me if NC was my home or if I was visiting. Both actually.

Well, I can hardly put words on paper. I feel amazed and speechless at all that has happened the last 4 months, yet also like I have enough words that would fill an ocean to do any of it justice.

John and I made plans for a getaway in July right after the move to Atlanta before the kids started school. I planned the trip (like I always do :) for Glacier National Park in Montana, a desire of mine for years.

7 years today I held my 12 pound one year old son in my arms for the first time. I met my shy, scared 4 year old. I can bet you neither of them remember the date, but their bodies remember. A brain somehow etches into permanency the trauma of adoption.

So during the time of all of my eye diagnosis, we have had other kids receive an  educational diagnoses and one going through a time of worry and stress (and John started his MBA, because of course there can't be only ONE big thing going on at the same time;).

Such hard words to utter, even harder to believe and put my full weight into. Its been a wild 2 months since my diagnosis. I have vacillated between full trust and gratitude, to grieving loss and wondering how my life will look at each stage.

You never plan to hear bad news. Life feels normal until it's not anymore. For years I have had a hard time seeing at night. I thought it was because I have blue eyes or because I am not 20 anymore. I mentioned it casually to doctors along the way but nothing came of it other than some glasses for night driving.

My first encounter with my whiteness occurred my 6th grade year. We lived in Tampa and they were trying to integrate the schools (click the link for a great video explanation of redlining and current day segregation) so they were bussing our suburban neighborhood into the inner city.

In my mind, Christmas should be this idyllic time of tradition, joy, merry-ness, time around with the kids in the evening discussing the joy and expectation of Advent-Christ coming into the world.